Scottish humour (or humor if you are from the USA) is said to a very dry humour and often seen as putting down our nation and our own people.

For example one of the most common jokes in Scottish humour is about the meanness or frugality of Scots people. For example we still love to joke that we are tight fisted.

Advert in local newspaper.  For Sale Used Gravestone ideal for family named McDonald.

After a rather poor collection was gathered in, the church minister prayed, "We thank you , dear Lord, that the collection plate has been returned safely"

In reality research figures over many years have consistently shown that per head of population we give far more to charity than our English counterparts.

Many of us — including myself — love to hear the bagpipes when they are played well but with our Scottish humor we can joke about the sound they make to untrained ears that have no taste.

Wee Sandy had just moved to London.  Visited by a friend from Scotland he was asked how he was doing.

"Weel",he said, "its jist grand, apart from the English Neighbours. The lot next door scream and shout and doonstairs is forever knocking up wi a broom".

"For goodness sake, Sandy, How do you stand all this commotion?"asked his friend.

"Och,ah jist keep quietly practicing on ma pipes!"

A lot of Scottish humour includes jokes about our national drink (Scotch Whisky) often with a well deserved put down for other drinks that pretend to be our whisky.

For example three CEO’s of large whisky companies went into a hotel bar.

"Okay barman ", said the first one, "give me a Japanese Whisky, the finest whisky in the world." The Barman gives him his drink.

"Right barman," said the second CEO, Give me a large American Whiskey, the finest whisky in the world."  The Barman gives him his drink.

"Right barman," said the Scottish CEO. "Give me a coke"

The other two Whisky CEOs were astonished and asked " Why aren’t you drinking Scotch whisky?"

"Well", said the Scot, " I reckoned if you guys aren’t drinking whisky, neither would I"

 

We also love to to use our particular brand of Scottish humor to have a go at our politicians.

99.9% of Scots are decent, hardworking, law abiding and and honest citizens.  But we still have to learn to accept the blame for electing the other 0.1% to govern us.

But maybe more than anything the Scottish Humor tends to love to have a joke about our English neighbours south of the border.

When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally He called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look.

“Just see,” said God. “This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, the very finest of all women, nice cool weather. And I’ve given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some.”

Gabriel took an appreciative sip.

“Excellent,” he said. “But haven’t you perhaps been too kind to them? Won’t they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?”

“Just wait till you see the neighbours they’re getting,” said God.

We will be adding large numbers of pages of Scottish humor jokes to this website over the next few months. Come back and see them regularly.

Alternatively contribute your own Scottish Humour to our pages below